The Pac-12 Family: The Forgotten Schools
This is the eleventh in a twelve part series on the mythical origin of each Pac-12 school . . . up next: the forgotten schools: Montana and Idaho.
It was a bright, sunny day on the campus of the University of California and the Golden Bear was in an especially good mood because he had finally figured out a way to get rid of the pesky Indian: he was going to create an association of other semi-divine beings and exclude the evil lobsterback. He was going to call his new union the Pacific Coast Conference. In 1915, the plan had come to fruition, the Washington Husky, Oregon Duck, Beaver of the then-Oregon Agricultural College, and the sturdy California Golden Bear banded together to destroy the evil Indian. Not long after that, the mysterious Cougar from the middle of nowhere Washington State also joined the effort against the stanfurdite. Everything was going according to plan, everyone was happy, California had a new "Big Game" against Washington—it was a wonderful, stanfurd-free existence. Unfortunately, just three years after the foundation of the union, everything fell apart. While the Golden Bear was out looking for new recruits to the anti-stanfurd union, he left the drunken Husky in charge of manning the gate...a horrible mistake. The Indian saw the Golden Bear's absence as an opportunity to infiltrate the union with his horrible red furdiness and slipped by the drunkenly passed out Husky in the middle of the night. When the Golden Bear returned, he walked through the gate only to find the dastardly stanfurd Indian painting the place red. The Californian was FURIOUS, he even refused to speak to the Husky for a few years and then proceeded to destroy the Washingtonian on the gridiron under the direction of Commander Andrew Latham Smith. He then turned his attention to the source of all evil in the world: the Indian. He mauled the stanfurdite to the point that he was no longer recognizable—the great satan leland stanfurd quickly intervened and deemed the mauling "unofficial" and that there was to be a rematch in one year's time. The rematch—and the four rematches after that—ended up just the same as the first, with the Indian crying all the way back to Palo Alto and whining to to his papa leland.
Even though the California Golden Bear kept pummeling the Indian, the union was permanently corrupted—he went out and recruited a Vandal from an area known as Idaho to help the PCC. The Washington State Cougar was outraged by the addition to the conference...he knew the Vandal well and hated everything about him. And in an act of pure malice and spite, the Cougar teamed up with the Indian to counter the Golden Bear's latest move. The Indian, with the help of the Cougar, let the Trojan of Southern California in. The Golden Bear was shocked and appalled by the treachery of the Cougar and immediately cursed the big cat with the inability to close out an adversary—his newfound curse would eventually be rightfully coined as "Couging It". Now that the Trojan had entered the union, the Golden Bear saw it necessary to go out and recruit yet another to balance the evil that had infiltrated the Pacific Coast Conference eventually he found a distant cousin of his—the Montana Grizzly—to help the cause.
While the California Golden Bear was away, he left the Duck in charge. The Golden Bear believed that there wouldn't be as many problems with the Duck in charge as there were with the Husky—and the Californian's faith was well placed until the baby bear of UCLA came along. The fowl of Oregon was under direct orders to not let the tiny bear in and the Duck turned the baby bear away time and time again. Unfortunately, the small, dickless one was able to trick the Oregonian under the cover of darkness by stealing Californian songs and colors—when he sang the Californian song "Big C", the Duck assumed it was the Golden Bear and let the Bruin in. When the Golden Bear returned with the Grizzly, his worst nightmare had been realized: the Indian, Trojan, and Bruin had all found a way to gain entrance into the Pacific Coast Conference.
For years, with the help of the original union members and the new Idaho Vandal and Montana Grizzly the California Golden Bear tried to counter the evil that had corrupted his once perfect union. For a while, good was able to keep evil at bay and the Indian realized that it had to turn one of the Golden Bear's allies against him. He thought the Vandal would be too obvious, so the Indian set his sights on the Montana Grizzly. The stanfurdite tried absolutely everything to turn the Grizzly but failed over and over again until he noticed that the Montanan had no songs of his own. He would always just listen to the Golden Bear's songs wishing he had one of his own. The Indian then convinced the Grizzly to "borrow" one of the songs of California—the stanfurd Jonah. Little did the Grizzly know, the Golden Bear absolutely hated when his songs were stolen, so when the Californian heard Montana's version of stanfurd Jonah—Up With Montana—he became so enraged over the theft that he mauled the Grizzly and banished him to purgatory. Every once in and a while, the Grizzly may emerge from purgatory, but he must always return, never able to fully compete against the greatest supernatural beings again. With the loss of the Grizzly, the Pacific Coast Conference was corrupted completely beyond repair and in just a few short years the union completely collapsed. The Golden Bear tried to quickly establish a new union (that he named the AAWU), but the Indian quickly infiltrated and corrupted that one as well. The Californian then resigned himself to the fact that there was nothing he could do to get rid of the dastardly Indian until he simply gave up and went away (which he was prone to do). Eventually, all of the former members of the Pacific Coast Conference, except for two, made it into the AAWU—the Montana Grizzly was cursed to roam purgatory for all eternity and for the Idaho Vandal, well, no one knows what happened to him. Some say that in the mists of the Palouse the cries of the forgotten Vandal can still be heard. Every now and then, a mysterious Vandal (even more mysterious than the Cougar) emerges, but no one knows for certain if it the Idaho Vandal of legend or an imposter. Tonight, the Montana Grizzly had been let out of purgatory for a short period of time to do battle with the Golden Bear once again, but this time with one of California's former sergeants in tow. In the end, however, the new Californian General of the wooded court and his legions of soldiers will vanquish the cursed Grizzly and loyal Californians will sing the one, true stanfurd Jonah all throughout the night.
Author's Note: It's been about two years since the release of the tenth part of this completely forgotten woefully written hated critically acclaimed (let's go with that one) series about the origins of each Pac-12 school and while I could easily apologize for taking so long to release Part 11, I would rather not. Instead, I am going to tell you that this was the plan all along because Cal plays Montana tonight...I must've been psychic back in 2012, because I knew we would be playing the Grizzlies in 2014! Keep checking CGB for the twelfth and final installation of this glorious series sometime next week--well, maybe next month--perhaps in another two years, who the f*** knows...
Go Bears.
